I believe… Give in

I believe you still want this. Us.at least I believe a part of you does.

If a part of you holds on after all this time, why not give in. Are you scared you will get hurt again? I know I’m terrified to go through that pain again. But I also know you are worth the pain. I think we needed time apart to grow back together. I also think it’s our time to give in to each other. I believe we are meant to be together. I know it is always going to be you.

I’m here, S, all you need to do is decide to give in. Give in to the happy memories, and let’s make new ones.

We are worth it

You cheated

You fell in love with someone else

I broke your trust

I broke your heart

I left

We stopped communicating

We stopped trying

We fell apart

But through all of this pain, I know we are worth it. Let me show you how worth it we are and how worth it I am. Let me prove it to you. I love you with all of my heart and soul. Just say yes one final time.

How do I heal?

I’m writing this and hoping she no longer looks at this blog but I need to write about this.

À little background update: we broke up last October (2018). She was with the girl she had the affair with. I begged for her back during a mental breakdown last January. I’ve been doing amazing mentally and in all aspects of my life. When she broke up with the girl, I went through a mini break down and wanted her back. She’s now committed to an 18 year old. I’m dating someone too. I’m seeing S tomorrow night and probably meeting the new girl. My response: I’m terrified and can’t stop crying.

How do I heal from her, from us? I want to know that I wouldn’t go back. But I think I would. I want what we had back so badly. I haven’t felt this down in a year. I still love her so much.

When you’re sick..

Why is it that when you are sick you realize what you need? Or at least what you think you need?

This weekend has been one of absolute hell. I began throwing up and other things Friday afternoon and it was nearly constant (every 30 min to 2 hours) for 24 hours. Today it has settled but I am so sore I can barely move because of the dry heaving.

The killer is that throughout all of this, all I wanted was S to hold me and rub my back and just be here.

Why can’t these feelings be gone by now? Why do I still wish to have her back? I miss her all the time and don’t know what to do anymore.

The truth

I wanted you to wait for me.

I wanted you to see that I was in pain. That I needed to heal from what you did. From where we ended up.

I wanted you to show me you were worth it.

I didn’t want this.

Instead you moved on. You continued to fight for someone else. You started a life with someone else.

I guess I wasn’t worth waiting for. I wasn’t worth helping to heal. Lesson learned S.

Now you live each day with your new girl. Loving life. Smiling and making plans. And I lay here waiting for you. Waiting for you to reach out to tell me you love me and miss me.

I wanted you to wait for me. I wanted you to help me heal. But instead I broke more and now I’m waiting for something that isn’t going to happen.

My regret

I always say that I don’t regret anything in my life because every choice, every mistake has made me who I am today. This is no longer true. I regret letting you go the first time. I regret letting you go the second time. I regret ever letting you walk away.

I want you to want me. I want you to fight for me. I want you to reach out to me. I want you to show up here and tell me you love me. I want you to miss me. Come home to me S. Please.

You are my home. You are my everything. I want to marry you S. Please come back. Give us one more shot. It will be something neither of us will regret. Ever.

To infinity and beyond. Forever and always babygirl.

Day 3

Today has been even harder. I barely slept last night. I kept dreaming about you and waking up to look at you only to realize that you weren’t there.

The morning was okay but by the afternoon, I wanted to run to you.

I keep having moments where I imagine that you have realized what you had. But maybe you have realized and you’ve decided I’m really not worth it.

It hurts sitting here alone, knowing that you’re there with her. That you have made this decision and are happy. Don’t get me wrong, all I want is for you to be happy. It just kills that I think of you ever second but I doubt you think of me that often.

It takes everything in my power not to call you and ask again for you back. Maybe you want me back but are too scared to admit it? Or maybe I would just make a fool of myself while you say no to me.

I don’t know how long I can do this for. But there’s nothing to do but wait and see

Day 2

Day 2 after cutting you out.

Today was harder. This evening was barely bearable. I don’t know how to do this. You’re still all I want.

Maybe one day you will want me as much as I want you. But I need to let it sink in that I wasn’t enough. That you love her more. That you want her more.

I still want you to reach out and say I was right. That we can get through this. That we are meant to be. Forever and Always. Until then, Im here. Waiting and breaking.

Day 1

Day 1 without you in my life…

I lost count ten hours ago how many moments I wanted to text you and tell you something. This day has been so odd, not reaching out.

No tears yet but I can tell they’re there. I am still constantly checking your social media posts. I know it’s not healthy but I haven’t had the strength to delete you yet. You didn’t go to school/work today. How come? What’s wrong? Your pinterest posts have gotten me confused. They got me wondering if you regret your choice. Or maybe that’s just my inner hope. I’m still hoping you realize the mistake you have made. I’m still hoping you will call me and say Yes I want you. Im sorry.

Day 1 has almost ended and I’m still here. Let’s see what tomorrow has to bring.

Watching you go

Watching you go is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. And I’ve done it so many more times than I should have.

We were meant to be. It’s so hard to convince myself otherwise. It’s so hard to let that thought go.

Why did you have to choose her? Why not let me show you how happy we could be?

You are all I ever wanted and all I ever needed. I am so sorry I didn’t show you that when I had the chance.

This was your final decision. I’m sorry I couldn’t do it anymore. Seeing the one you want to marry and spend your life with be with someone else is just too hard.

You say you have concerns. Why not let us get through those together? And let me show you that you are making assumptions that wouldn’t be the case?

The hardest part right now is not calling you and begging you to come home. But I know, at least a part of me knows, that it wouldn’t change anything. But what if it did?

What if you had given me one more chance? I would cry and kiss your face and show you how much I love you. But instead you chose to not let us happen.

You say you love her more, you want her more, but then why was this so hard? Why kiss me with so much love?

I will never forget you. I will never not want you. If you chose to come back tonight, I know you would be welcomed with open arms.

One day I might believe that this is best, that we are not meant to be. But until then, I beg you to stay and watch you leave.