Well here goes nothing, or maybe something, who knows?
Its been three weeks since I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. The initial relief has worn off now and now I’m just tired of trying to find treatment.
For the last five years I have thought that my diagnosis was major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. During this time, I have been perscribed several anti-depressed and have seen different psychologists and counsellors. No one really new how to help with my depression as there seemed to be no underlying trigger. This went to the extent that one psychologist actually told me she doesn’t know how to help me with my depression. This contibuted to an increased feeling of hopelessness. How was I ever going to get better? This question then quickly progressed to How can I live with this pain? A couple months ago my suicide thoughts got extreme and I decided I couldn’t continue. I decided I would go back to my home when everyone thought I was still visiting my family and I would overdose so the pain would stop. Luckily, my partner convinced me to go to the hospital before I suicided. I was fast tracked and got in to see a psychiatrist tthee next morning, where I received my diagnosis of Borderline (BPD). I was so relieved: I finally had a diagnosis that made complete sense; the misdiagnosis explained to me why no one could really help me; there was a plan in place. For those who are not aware, an effective therapy for BPD is Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) which is 22 weeks of 2 hour group sessions and an hour with a clinician each week. This plan made me hopeful again: there is a way to feel better! YAY!
But here’s the catch: this DBT prpgram in my city? It has a year waitlist. Disappointing and frustrating right? Right. So what do I do? Try to stay hopeful and look for other options. I discovered that there is a private DBT program that will start soon! Yay there is hope again right? Wrong. It was misinformation and there is only the one DBT program. So my only choice is one on one therapy for the next year. If you’ve never been close to suicide you are probably thinking “I dont get what the big deal is? At least you’re getting treatment right?” But here’s the thing, when I had given up on ever feeling okay, I was given a plan that gave me hope and now it feels like that hope has been ripped away from me. I feel I’m back to the same kind of therapy that never worked for me. Rationally, I know that therapy eill be better this time and I do know that the probanility that my state will improve is high. But bare with me. Right now I’m just feeling and frustrated. Afterall I am just starting this blog to share with how I am feeling and how life with BPD can be (at least for one person).