To Socialize or Isolate?

Socializing as someone with my disorder sucks.

I am sitting here surrounded by friends and it is like I have two people in my head telling me the complete opposite.

“I am having fun and am excited to see my friends. They aren’t here for me. I am just a party pooper and they wish I wasnt here. Let’s play washer toss and have a bonfire! I want to just go in and watch a movie and colour by myself. I want them to go home. Thats terrible. This should be fun. You are having fun. Maybe if I just cut I can make it through the night.” (just a small glimpse of what these two people are saying).

I don’t know how to feel better for this. I hear them talking to each other and I feel in my gut that they’re talking about me. I feel like I would disappoint my partner if I went inside and I feel like they would talk about me. But I also wonder if it’s best if I don’t overdo myself. I already feel overwhelmed, anxious and I am on a downward spiral. But what would be worse? Going inside and being anxious and feel like they are judging me (and risk cutting)? Or staying out and feeling like shit and regret it later?

Socializing with my disorder really truly sucks.

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