My Daily Dose of the S Word

Yesterday, I socialized. Today, I couldn’t. Today, I can’t. Today, I want to die.

I can’t do this anymore. I feel like I’m in this glass bubble full of smoke and steam. I’m sweating and terrified. I want to cry but the tears don’t want to leave their safety net. I want to punch the walls but I am scared that I will break instead of the wall. I just want it to end.

It was a normal day. My partner hung out with friends. I was friendly but I stayed alone most of the time. It was okay. I was doing my thing and she was doing hers. It was fine. I waa fine. Then all of a sudden I wasn’t. 

Unloved. The first feeling that came. I needed to be touched. I needed to be held but yet I wasn’t. Please be aware, as I am, that this was no ones fault but my own. I needed my partner to come make me feel wanted but I never told her that. She had no way of knowing how I was feeling. But I felt like she should know. I felt like she was choosing her friend over me everytime she was away from me. This of course was not the truth but still that’s how my mind works.

Guilty. I made everyone else’s day worse. From being down and upset, my partner is frustrated, our friend thinks she is to blame and is now upset, my partner’s friends left. All because of me. I feel like I would be better off not here. Like everyone else could actually be happy. It is my fault.

I am a burden. Unnecessary. An extra body to care for. I should just leave. Die. Suicide. That’s the big bad S word that wveryone is so scared of. But suicide would be the end of this pain and misery. I would be saving everyone so much pain. It is taking every amount of strength I have not to start devising a plan, not to get my hand on a means to do it. And why don’t I suicide? That’s a question I keep asking myself every day.

Please be aware as the reader that I am not at immediate risk. I am not alone this evening and my partner is aware of what is going on. If these thoughts get worse, I will go to the hospital or call a mobile crisis unit. 

One thought on “My Daily Dose of the S Word

  1. By executing that S word will maybe give peace to your body but not to your soul. You very well know what kind of misery it is when someone feel guilty and unloved; now just multiply that feeling to the square of ten thousand; you will leave this “gift” for your partner and family behind. Your soul will then again feel those nasty feelings but that time you will not have any option left with you. You will be completely Helpless. This S word is the most selfish and meanest thing you can do to your inner-self and to your partner. At least while you are alive you can work out some solutions and make yourself feel better. Isn’t it? Even if you couldn’t completely change the situation you will still have the satisfaction that you tried.
    So, Kick off that word! you don’t need it in your dictionary 🙂
    Good Luck 🙂

    Like

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