WHY

Why can’t I stop crying again?

Why am I wanting you here?

Why am I not okay?

Other than being tired, my last few days have been good; I’ve got lots done. I did awesome at work and I even did the laundry today. The thing is, I had my S spend those days with me. Is it because of those days that I’m feeling down now? Or is it because she is gone now?

I want to understand what is going on in my head. I did receive semi bad news today (I got rejected from another University) but I also had a friend drop by cookies she made. Things seemed to be going well. But now I’m in bed with tears streaming down my face while I trynot to scream. All I can think of is WHY and how I don’t want to go to my mindfulness training in an hour. I have no idea if I am safe to drive there tonight. I can barely see to type this and the suicidal thoughts are pushing out.

So what do I do? Call my mom? I don’t want her running up here and I hate that I worry her. Plus her knowing amd trying to help will only make things worse. Call a friend? I dont want them to worry. Call S? She’s busy and hanging out with a new girl in her life (side note…just realizing tonight how jealous I am of this) and I dont know what I want from her but know I dont want to hurt her.

But right now all I want is to stop feeling. I could take an ativan but then i cant drive to my group…

Why am Inot okay?

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