One thing that my mental illness does to me is that I always have multiple “trains” on the go. When someone is thinking, their train of thought is on the go. People often jump from one train to another when they think of something new. But as far as I know for people with BPD, and especially for myself, I always have at least three on the go at each moment.
I have labeled them as follows:
Train A is my good train. It tells me how happy I am and reminds me of the positive. This train is often derailed or made smaller by the other trains.
Train B is my bad train. It tells me I’m not good enough and that what I am doing is ALWAYS wrong.
Train C is often my random thoughts. It’s basically my ADHD train. Talking to me about something? Train C is noticing the clock ticking.
There are sometimes more but these three are always there.
So here are my trains today :
Train A: You have been in my mind all day. I want to tell you all about the positive things happening and how my day has been. I wish I could reach out to you.
Train A (more): I just saw you are having a bad day. Tell me about it babe. Let me cuddle you and make it better. Let me cook for you and run you a bath. We will watch Dragon Heart and I will play with your hair. I wish I could reach out to you.
Train B: you are not enough. You are not her person anymore. She is her thing now. She chose her. You are not the chocolate pudding. You are the fruitcup. You suck and she doesn’t want you. You are too late.
Oh and Train C: I really want to paint smoke